Airport Apocalypse

Journal Entry – Day 3 stranded in the Canadian airport bubble

zombies

Life energy meter: down 18%

Personal hygiene status: showered (success!), same clothes worn for three days (fail)

I’ve begun learning my way around the airport – I’ve staked out my preferred computer plug-in, discovered a tasty restaurant (if you’re famished, Wok and Roll is the way to go), made friends with airport workers, and acquired a personal agent (as I like to think of her) named Anne. It’s like a home away from home (but, like, a home that is very spacious and filled with strangers and no beds and you want to run away but you can’t because MomAndDad stripped you of all possible means of escape).

Hey, look. The carpet pattern looks Gallifreyan. I was going to attempt to decode it, but then I realized how truly fruitless and ridiculous an endeavor that would be….

Gallifreyan- Language of the Time Lords (Doctor Who). I discovered that there are actual translators that you can download (ermagherd), but I couldn’t get them to work and thus couldn’t write things like “airports are cray” in the Time Lord tongue….

They are coming. The screaming children. We are completely surrounded.

WE FINALLY HAVE TICKETS! I feel like Charlie, ready to enter the Chocolate Factory. Funny story: Our tickets were almost revoked because apparently my grandfather and I are the same person. Our names both begin with ‘L’? Well, then by all means don’t trust your eyes and ignore the fact that there are TWO distinctly separate people standing right in front of you. I am truly astounded by the competence of some people.*

General travel tips and Notes specifically about the Vancouver International Airport:

  • you probably already know this, but in case you don’t – if your flight is canceled, talk to the airport and have them put you up in a fairly nice hotel for the night. Ask for meal vouchers. Ask for lots of meal vouchers.
  • as long as you’re not wearing boots, you don’t have to take off your shoes during airport screenings
  • the layout and size is similar to Seatac airport, but the line lengths and personnel:passenger ratio is more reminiscent of the Walla Walla airport
  • be ecstatic about making it to the gate because you’ll have cool toys and shit to look forward to. Like this:

IMG_2586 IMG_2589

IMG_2590IMG_2587

Yes, we’re flying Air New Zealand and, yes, they’ve found an innovative way to encourage people to watch the flight safety video (want to see a scruffy ranger seducing the camera with his eyes?)- My Flight (in a nutshell). The airline also has those seat screens (with movies, music, audiobooks, games, etc.) that trick me into thinking I’m chillin’ in my dorm with my laptop. Here is where I discovered various Wellington artists and Lawrence Arabia- his song “Traveling Shoes” is heading straight into my Travel playlist. I also watched The Bourne Legacy – not my favorite action film ever, but the filmmakers artistically brought in some circular “plot” elements: Jeremy Renner nonchalantly displayed his unclothed torso in the first AND last scenes.

*For those who have difficulty picking up on sarcasm, allow me to clarify that there is, in fact, sarcasm dripping off this sentence.

our getaway vehicle

our getaway vehicle

 

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This entry was posted in Humor, New Zealand, Travel and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Airport Apocalypse

  1. Caroline says:

    Lindsey, this is hilarious, sorry you got stuck, have a wonderful trip!

  2. Asia B Wolfe says:

    girl you be sayfe now! I luv yer blog, it’s so hip and kewl :3

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